Counseling, Lake Norman Counselors

What to Say When There Are No Words

What to say when you have no words: How to talk to your children about difficult topics

As many of us are reflecting on the tragedy that occurred in our city yesterday, please do not neglect the importance of talking to your kids about what happened.

Children are innately receptive to the well being of their caregivers and can pick up on the grief and nervous energy that will be among us as they return to school.

Give your child age appropriate, factual information so that if they overhear their peers or teachers discussing this tragedy they will feel informed. Remind them of the safety plans that are in place at their school and reassure them that they know the drill.

It brings tears to my eyes to even fathom that we now have active shooter drills in schools. So remember, it is ok to tell your child, “It makes me feel sad to talk about shootings, but I am really glad that we can talk about topics that upset us.”

If your child has questions that you are not quite sure how to answer or that you don’t have an answer for reflect what your child is feeling. For example, your child may ask, “mommy, why would somebody want to shoot other people?” you could say something like, “It is really hard to understand why someone would hurt others.”

Do what you need to in order to get yourself into a calm, controlled state and then initiate this conversation with your child. Stay brief, stay factual, and follow your child’s lead. If you don’t know how to answer your child’s questions you can always say, “I do not have an answer for that, what do you think the answer is?” or “tell me more about what you’re thinking.” Many times children already have the answers to their own questions and it is more important that you are listening as they process the answer than it is to give them your answer.

Some children ask many questions and other children say, “ok” and return to their play. Regardless, what is important is that you’re teaching your child that you are willing to talk about difficult topics. Nothing is more reassuring to a child than knowing their caregivers can handle their thoughts and feelings. 

For more information on this or how to talk with your kids about other difficult topics please reach out to us at LKN Counselors! 

Counseling, Lake Norman Counselors

Desperately Wanting

It seems like a simple question, but the fact of the matter is, “what do you want?” is an intimidating question. It can feel overwhelming, daunting. Leave you confused, unsure, tired, hopeless, or with more questions than answers. For some, the question of “what do you want?” IS the problem. You feel stuck without an answer.

I have good news! There are a few solutions & strategies to resolving this conundrum. One of my favorites is W.D.E.P.

  1. What do I Want?
  2. What am I Doing?
  3. Evaluate behaviors.
  4. Make a Plan!

So to utilize the tool effectively, if you did happen to know what you want, your ideal goal would be a S.M.A.R.T. (that’s a specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, & timely) goal. Plug that in and apply the next steps specifically to your goal.

For those of you feeling stuck and overwhelmed by the question of “what do I want?” we’re going to skip that part for now! Just ignore it completely and go to question two… what am I doing?

Write down your recent behaviors. Literally – what do you do every day? Who do you talk to? Where do you go? What’s the first thing you do in the morning? The last thing at night? As many actions as you can – especially the ones that are emotionally charged or different recently.

Moving on to the key step: evaluation. What have you done recently that’s brought joy and excitement into your life? What activities cause stress, anxiety, or doubt? Who makes you smile and laugh? And then who makes your smile fade when they walk in the door? Have you done something different recently that has had an impact on your life? Maybe you started eating breakfast, are trying out a new cologne, or reconnected with an old friend? What impact did those changes have on your day?

Ready for this game changer?? After you’ve evaluated your recent actions, we’re going to make a plan! It’s pretty straightforward and simple… looking at the positive and negative, you just need two steps:

Increase the positive and decrease the negative!

It really is that simple, ladies & gentlemen!

So many clients tell me that their goal is to decrease stress, depression, and anxiety in their lives, but when I ask what they do to bring joy into their lives there’s often a struggle for an answer.

Be intentional about creating moments – and habits! – that bring you happiness. Surround yourself with people who energize you, who validate you, who make you laugh, who are fun to talk to & who you can connect with easily. Rid yourself of any “should statements” and their resulting obligation, guilt, & fear and focus on what you want!!

If you look at what you’re currently doing that brings you joy & makes you smile, it’ll become very obvious what you want.

Counseling, Lake Norman Counselors, Providers

Work Hard, Play Hard

Melissa gets to have all the fun!

Hi, I’m Melissa, a child and adolescent mental health counselor. I’m also commonly referred to as the counselor with, “the fun office” here at LKN Counselors. I utilize play therapy and other creative experiential approaches in my work with children and adolescents, which means my office is filled with toys and art supplies making it look a little different than a traditional counseling office.

During my training, I learned about an approach to counseling children called play therapy and immediately knew that is what I wanted to offer my clients. Children experience life stressors just like adults; they just don’t always have the words to convey their thoughts and feelings. Play allows children to express themselves in their natural medium of communication and play therapy allows them to do so in a way that promotes healing. This immediate connection led me complete a certificate in play therapy, and I now offer this service to many of our youngest clients.

Being that I am naturally introverted myself, I found myself drawn to these experiential therapy modalities that allow my clients to experience self reflection and practice new ways of being in addition to articulating these feelings and experiences verbally.

Throughout my experience working in the mental health field, I have worked with a variety of ages. My passion truly comes from working with young children and their families. There’s nothing like the genuine personality of a child, which makes working with them tons of fun and definitely keeps me on my toes! Children also possess a natural inclination towards growth, which comes with great sense of hope for the future. Working with children also involves working with their families. I realize how frustrating parenting can be at times but also how rewarding it can be as well! Coming from a relatively big family myself, I love the energy that comes in with every family that walks through my doors, and I am honored to work with families throughout their journeys.

This blog will include activities for families, behavior management skills, resources for parents, and inspirational stories on parenting. My hope is that these articles will promote understanding between parents and children and help parents re-discover the joys of parenting.

Don’t forget to play today!

Melissa